Binders Full of Conservative Saviors to Speak at CPAC 2013

by Sunnyjane

It should come as no surprise to those Americans who don't have pickle relish for brains that the GOP is in disarray.  Perhaps disarray is too mild; the GOP is in the midst of a self-made tsunami of chaos.  And hey, it wasn't the Democrats who said that the Republican Tea Party would never have the elite, smart people on their side.  It was Rick Santorum who engaged in that bit of intellectual segregation. 

CPAC 2013 -- Only Wingnut Faithfuls Welcome

The Conservative Political Action Conference (fondly referred to as Conservative Politicians Are Clowns by the liberal establishment) will be held March 14-16.  CPAC is actually sponsored by the American Conservative Union, which boasts as members of its board of directors such black holes luminaries as David Keene (NRA), Carly Fiorina,  John Bolton, Grover Norquist, etc. 

There are a couple of head-scratching paradoxes going on at CPAC this year.  First is the rather weird news that Mitt Romney is attending.

                                           

The Mittster, of course, convinced CPAC participants in 2012 that he was severely conservative, and he ended up winning the straw poll with thirty-eight percent of the vote.  OK, so they're idiots, but that's not the point.  This year it is expected that with all the usual suspects -- and some of the other losers -- having speaking roles that the focus will again be on proving that they lost last year because the nominee was not conservative enough.  And there will be Romney in the middle of it.  Hmmm...can you say awkward?

The other shoot-yourself-in-the-foot issue is that it seems there will be several panels devoted to discussing how the GOP can become a more inclusive party.  Well, that's all fine and dandy, of course, until it comes to some who will never be included.  GOProud and the Log Cabin Republicans have once again been barred from attending because both groups are advocates for -- shh, quietly now, gays and lesbians.  Gasp!  Oh yes, in 2012 the far-right Christianista family values groups pitched a hissy-fit and said they would pull their sponsorship if those people were allowed to attend.  Same for this year.

And so it goes with the Republican Tea Party attempting to, um, reinvent itself.  

Who Will Speak at CPAC?

Why, the Tea Party will speak at CPAC, that's who.  What, you were expecting a half-way sane Republican like Jon Huntsman?  Splort!  Not a chance.  As it stands today, the brain-cell count in that room will dip into negative numbers.

In fact, the conference's theme this year is -- wait for it -- CPAC—America's Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives.  

Let's take a quick look at several of the saviors swirling around in CPAC's Tea Party dreck.

Dem strategist's email during Jindal's 2009 SOTU rebuttal:
I'd pay a lot of money to be back watching a Palin speech.

*Bobby Jindal (LA-Tea Party) -- Gov. Jindal had quite a lot to say about the results of the 2012 election (not to belabor the point, you understand, but: Obama 332, Romney 206).  His main criticism was that the GOP should stop being the stupid party and should embrace a larger group of constituents.   (Psst!  Hey, Bobby, does that include gays and lesbians?  If so, perhaps you should inform CPAC.)  Things aren't faring too well in his home state these days, either.  While Jindal is said to be a favorite among conservative intellectuals (isn't that an oxymoron?), he is living with an approval rating of less than fifty percent because both Democrats and Republicans are unhappy with him.  Oh, well!

If I just take a quick gulp, no one in the whole country will notice, right?

*Marco Rubio (FL-Tea Party) -- Anointed by Time Magazine as The Republican Savior (no question mark; Time is seems to be certain about this) should make Sen. Rubio the creme de la creme of the GOP.  To be sure, he's steeped in the Tea Party's ideals.  In his rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union address recently, he pulled out the same old party lines: Obamacare bad; raising taxes bad; accepting climate change science bad.  

Long before he felt the urge to re-hydrate himself during the rebuttal, Rubio had announced his support for Florida Gov. Rick Scott's illegal purge of vote registration rolls.  What about this inclusion thingy the GOP was talking about?  He's a real piece of work, is Sen. Rubio, but that's exactly what the Republican Tea Party is looking for.  Can he save the party?  Well, it's according to what your definition of savior is, I suppose.

Going UP or Going DOWN?

*Ted Cruz (TX-Tea Party) -- The newest loudmouthed Tea Party agitator has been blessed with the coveted Last Speaker spot on the CPAC agenda.  Oh yes, the Cruz Missile is the newest darling of the far-right wingers.   On a recent escape to Texas where he is adored, Sen. Cruz stopped by a lumber yard and a factory that spits out AR-15 rifles.  Hot damn!  He told his supporters that Texans elected a senator to go to Washington and speak the truth.  The only problem here is that he doesn't exactly tell the truth, relying instead on innuendo.  He's made absurd accusations about Chuck Hagel and he's said there there were 12 communists actively plotting against the government at Harvard Law School while he was there.  Hey, the man sees radicals and communists everywhere, leading many to refer to him as the new Joseph McCarthy.  This kind of thing might play well in Peoria, but when his own party has to rebuke him for his outlandish rhetoric, he might have a small problem.

I am DOWN with this Tea Party stuff, you betcha!

*Mia Love (UT-Tea Party) -- Mama Mia!  This one's a treat.  A Mormon, an African American, and a Tea Partier, she just might be one Karl Rove wants to keep an eye on when he's making his not-right-for-the-GOP list.  

Love's parents came to the U.S. from Haiti in 1973, leaving their first two children behind.  Mia was born in 1975, and then the parents sent for her siblings.  Can you say Anchor Baby?

She is the mayor of Saratoga Springs and ran for the House of Representatives in 2012.  During her campaign she made the statement that once in congress, she would join the Congressional Black Caucus and take that thing apart from the inside out!  

I'm sort of sorry she lost, actually.  I'd love to have seen her come up against the likes of long-time respected members of the CBC such as Elijah Cummings, Keith Ellison, and John Lewis, just to name a few.  Talk about taking that thing apart.  Whew!

Bendy Straws, Anyone?

*Sarah Palin (AK Failure-Tea Party) -- Frankly, I have no earthly idea why Palin is speaking, except to remind Democrats and Moderates how far outside the Bell Curve she is.    There are smarter, younger, and more motivated far-right conservative wannabes than she is.  We're talking Sarah Palin here, the same Quitting/Fired Failure who lacks the intelligence to organize a pissing contest at a sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday.

The Next Generation of Conservatives?

By the standard set by its own theme, we can assume that CPAC would not have the be-knighted Ronald Reagan as a speaker this year.  In all probability, Reagan would be appalled at how the Tea Party has taken over the conservative movement in this country.

It's also pretty obvious that, by CPAC's standards, Chris Christie doesn't fit in.  Sarah Palin does.  Go figure.

A Reminder for Liberals




End Note

Which part of NO didn't the Republican Tea Party understand in the 2012 Election results?