Remember: Plastic surgery can change the outside, but not the inside
By Leadfoot_LA and Bella, age 10
By Leadfoot_LA and Bella, age 10
Joan lives 3-days-a-week with Melissa and her 12-year old grandson, Cooper in Melissa’s house in Los Angeles. They also have a full time nanny and housekeeper. Joan is “very formal” and insists they sit down to a nice dinner every night. They focus on Cooper’s education and we see clips of him playing various musical instruments.
Bristol is introduced as a “medical assistant” – it actually says that on the screen. (Dear Bristol, we’re sure you’re reading here. If you’d like to email me a copy of your medical assisting degree, I will happily post it. Otherwise, you are a LIAR.) Then she says she was introduced to the world when she was “pregnant at 17.” For those who live in REAL reality, she was pregnant at SIXTEEN. She lives in Alaska with her son Tripp and her sister Willow, who just graduated from cosmetology school.
The shots of the interior of Bristol’s home show no less than a dozen crosses on the living room wall. (Dear Bristol, if you are THAT Christian, maybe you should tell the world the truth about your first pregnancy.) Willow says that Bristol “doesn’t feel the need for a manager or an assistant or anything like that.” Why would a “medical assistant” need a manager and an assistant?! Ugh. My head hurts already.
Bristol says, “My parenting style sucks. My son owns me. Tripp gets away with murder.” They use popsicles to bribe him to follow the rules. Bella says, “that boy is a brat!”
Bristol explains that in Alaska they are outdoorsy, wear boots and coats, don’t care about fashion, and are not “camera ready” all the time. (Dear Bristol – Only someone who IS obsessed with being camera ready all the time would even use that phrase!)
On the morning of the switch, Bristol asks Tripp “are you going to miss me?!” He doesn’t even look up from his video game as he answers “no.” As she drives away, she says, “no cussing” and watches as Tripp hits Willow several times. Oy. That boy doesn’t need Melissa Rivers. He needs Dalton Reform School for Boys!
Bristol arrives in LA, and says she has been here a few times, but never ventured out to where the beach is. Huh?! She lived here for months and never went to the beach!? Bristol explores the house and figures out from family photos that it belongs to Joan Rivers. She immediately says Joan has criticized her weight a few times and gets nervous about how Joan will treat her. (Dear Bristol, where is that “tough skin” you are always crowing about?)
Melissa, meanwhile, explores Bristol’s house and reads her household manual, which says “welcome to my modest home.” Melissa rolls her eyes and says “this is not a modest home!” Reading on, she has to stop and says, “I’m sorry, I am just so completely nauseated by this” when she gets to the line, “moose and caribou are constants in my freezer.” (Dear Bristol, we know you didn’t finish high school, sweetie, but did you really have to have your mom write your household manual for you?!)
Bristol reads Melissa’s household manual and gets upset because “fashion is not her life.” Truer words have never been spoken. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a family with more fashion “don’ts” than hers!
Melissa meets Willow and Tripp and immediately sees that Tripp has behavior issues and sees that he knows there will be no consequences. Tripp won’t shake Melissa’s extended hand, and says “she’s a fake mom, not a real mom.”
Bristol meets Joan and Cooper, who extends his hand and says “nice to meet you.” Joan gives Bristol a warm hug. Joan says that any jokes she made in the past were “just business.” Bristol snottily says “really?!” Joan, in the diary room out of earshot from Bristol, says that Bristol is insecure. Bella gives me a look that is half, “this is going to be fun” and half, “this is going to be painful.”
Melissa and Willow prepare moose liver for dinner, and then both try to choke it down, while Tripp sleeps on the sofa. Melissa spits it into the trash. Willow gets it down, but doesn’t look happy about it. Tripp wakes up at 10 pm, full of energy. Willow says that Tripp decides when he is going to go to bed.
Back in L.A., Bristol oversees Cooper’s cello practice and is quite sweet to him. Then they pull her into a production meeting for Fashion Police. Bristol says she can’t help because she doesn’t know anything about fashion. She says she feels mean and doesn’t like to criticize people (bwahahahahahaha!).
Todd drops by to pick up Tripp for the day and Tripp’s whiny, bratty demeanor instantly changes. You can see that he loves his grandpa, and my guess is because Grandpa Todd is probably the only person who provides any discipline to Tripp.
Bristol is supposed to be replacing Melissa as the producer of Fashion Police, but she tells Joan, “I think I’m just most comfortable observing.” She says there are more important things in life than criticizing what others are wearing. (Dear Bristol, this wasn’t about fashion! It was about you getting offered a priceless opportunity to show your leadership skills and learn how a TV production works! And you quit before you even started.) Besides, the show also offers the “5 best looks of the week” and other positive fashion advice. But Bristol chose to only see the negative.
Melissa goes “mudding” on four-wheelers with Willow and really enjoys it. Willow talks about her future plans to open her own salon. They take Tripp out to dinner and he colors with crayons on Melissa’s sweater and is basically a complete terror the entire time.
Bristol helps Cooper with homework, then attends a formal dinner party that Joan threw to welcome her. Joan tells all the guests to please “be very gentle on her” before Bristol comes downstairs. Bristol doesn’t know how to eat her lobster and Joan has to teach her. They are asking her silly questions like, “Are there gay bars in Alaska” and “Was there a school slut?” They ask about her mom and she says “I have no desire to discuss politics.” Bristol says they are “on the attack.” (Dear Bristol, they were not on the attack AT ALL. Give me 5 minutes in a room with your insecure, uneducated, Levi-bashing, two-baby-having butt and I will show you what “on the attack” looks like!)
Joan says that she will help and support Bristol “even though I’m a democrat.” HA! She tells Bristol to quit playing the victim. Bristol has many advantages that she doesn’t even appreciate. In Joan’s generation, Bristol “would have been known as the little whore down the block that had to go to Reno to have her baby.” Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan. Times haven’t changed much in Alaska. Bristol faked mono for 5 months, doncha know?! Then her mom stole her first baby and claimed it as her own.
It’s time for the ladies to provide new rules for their new homes. Bristol tells Joan that the house has to become less of a production studio and more of a family home for Cooper (not bad advice!). They will have dinner that is not prepared and served by staff. They will dress down and not be so formal. Finally, they will go on a fishing trip.
Melissa tells Willow that Tripp needs structure. A sticker chart will provide rewards for positive behavior. From now on he will sleep in his own bed. Melissa is also going to help Willow get experience to further her career.
The new rules seem to be going well. Bristol makes macaroni and cheese (that is all!) and serves it on paper plates. Joan says it is delicious. They go on a fishing trip in some rickety old pickup truck that Bristol borrowed. They catch fish, Bristol fillets it, and they grill it on the spot. Everyone enjoys it. Bristol and Joan do each other’s nails. Bristol makes Joan play lacrosse with Cooper. Joan says that she really likes Bristol.
Melissa and Willow take Tripp to dinner and try to teach him table manners. Willow caves right away when he starts misbehaving and Melissa says, “you realize you are the adult, right?” Melissa helps Willow feel empowered to be an authority figure to Tripp. He actually starts to behave. Melissa then tells Willow that she got her an opportunity to do hair for a local TV anchor. Willow wimps out and refuses to do it.
All four women meet up to discuss their experiences. Joan and Melissa both talk about how they tried to get work experience for the Palin girls and how neither one of them had the confidence to just jump in and try it. Then they discuss the dinner party and Joan says, “really? You felt attacked?! You must have thought, ‘that bitch set me up!’” Bristol answers, “yah, no kidding.” WOW. (Dear Bristol, what happened at that dinner party is called making conversation. You have GOT TO stop being so sensitive or your life is going to be extremely difficult. Who CARES what some random people at a dinner party think of you?!) Even Bella understands this, and looks at me and rolls her eyes.
They discuss how much better Tripp has been behaving since using the sticker system. Melissa says Willow and Bristol have to stop being a buddy to him and start acting as disciplinarians. From the looks on their faces, this plea goes right over both of their heads. Bristol does say that she admires how Cooper behaves and she’d like Tripp to act more like Cooper. Melissa and Joan say that will take Bristol’s advice to loosen their schedules and lessen their formality a bit. They all hug and say goodbye. Melissa says the Palins are welcome any time, and that she “can see Catalina from her house.” LOL!!!
Bella could not be happier that the show has ended. “I am so sick of these people,” she says. Me and you both, kid. Me and you both.
Thank you so much, Leadfoot and Bella! You tortured yourself again for our pleasure. What more can we ask for from true friends!
Anyone who fancies a bit of that herself/himself - the complete episode is already on youtube.
EDIT: I had to exchange the video, because the original clip was removed by the user.
Here is part 1 (of 6) of this episode:
The other remaing parts can be found here.