Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Louie Gohmert: Caribou Sex, Non-Rising Pool Water, and Moo Goo Dog Pan -- No, SERIOUSLY

by Sunnyjane

Bet you can't make YOUR eyebrows do this while wearing a tin foil hat!
Any day now, Louie Gohmert will be arrested and charged for being in Contempt of Mental Soundness, the penalty for which is sixty days in an asparagus-print wallpapered cell while listening to President Obama sing Sweet Home Chicago and I'm Still in Love with You twenty-four hours a day.

The congressman's philosophies harken back to a time when people bragged that Christopher Columbus had dined in their homes, and Louie disapproves of any idea that bears even the slightest whiff of moderate -- forget about liberal or progressive; those cause him to start picking his nose while hyperventilating.  It's not a pretty sight.

Gohmert was sworn in as a newly elected member of the Lower Chamber from Texas in January of 2005.  In 2007, Michele Bachmann arrived, and the two of them proceeded to establish the gold standard for House-Crazy.  In 2011, the anti-government Tea Party tsunami engulfed the House, and America became the laughingstock of the world.

No wonder John Boehner has reserved bar stools all over the Nation's Capitol.  The House has become Kabuki theater rather than a serious venue for enacting the country's laws.

The Crusades Will Be Televised

Louie Gohmert's belief in God's existence is total and as solid as the Pillars of Hercules.  And to prove it to, um, doubters, he recently offered his very own equation verifying said existence because atheists cannot say: Nobody + Nothing = Everything.  Well!  There you go then.

The God-bothering congressman from Texas would be quite vexed if he had to debate Thomas Jefferson on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State.  Louie, of course, has his own interpretation of that doctrine: ...the state would not dictate to the church, but the church would certainly play a role in the state.  Um...nooooo.

Louie also thinks that the Republican party can get Latinos to start voting for them because they are the party that believes in God.  If that's true, it makes you wonder why he's so against passing an immigration law, doesn't it?

And of course, the Aurora shooting massacre of twelve people in 2012 happened because America is becoming a Godless country.  No, it's actually because you and your ilk place a higher value on guns than you do on human life, you little imbecile.      

And More Louie Lunacy

While discussing the ENDA bill before the House last year, legislation that would make it illegal to fire, refuse to hire, or refuse to promote employees because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, Gohmert whined that it was just more of the Democrats continuing war on religion -- especially the Judeo-Christian religion.  He doesn't give a fat rat's ass about other religions, and bewailed the fact that Jews and Christians actually supported gay rights, despite the plumbing that God created.  Uh huh.

In 2010, Louie was positive that pregnant Muslim women were coming across the border to spawn their babies just so those now-American citizens could be sent back to their Islamist countries to be trained as terrorists and come back and kill all of us.  And no one could easily forget that after the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013, he tried to link that tragic event with immigration reform, opining that  We know Al Qaeda has camps over with the drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border. We know that people are being trained to come in and act like they're Hispanic when they're radical Islamist.  No explanation on how a Middle East individual might actually be able to act like they're Hispanic

Gohmert wants to protect the Alaska Pipeline because he's afraid that if there's not all that warm oil flowing through it, the sex-life of the caribou would be ruined:  So when [the caribou] want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline. So my real concern now ...if oil stops running through the pipeline...do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?   He declined the opportunity to inform us as to whether the pipeline takes dinner reservations.

Loony Louie once cringed at the thought of sending funds to China to help that country protect rare dogs and cats: There is no assurance that if we did that we wouldn't end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan.  

Because he doesn't believe in man-made climate change, Louie refused to read the report because it was way too full of science mumbo-jumbo to make sense of.  He had an intern read it and decided it was just full of malarkey.  His argument: Rising sea levels? Melting ice caps? Well now, if that were true, how come the water in my pool isn’t any higher than it was last year?  It's perfectly acceptable to indulge in a major head-bang at this point.

Unfortunately, Gohmert is running against the same Democrat who challenged him and lost in 2012.  I think we can expect the same results this year.

End Note

Now there's a pro-life solution.

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