Monday, June 1, 2015

J. Dennis Hastert: Send Lawyers, Guns & Money, I’m In Deep

By Katie Annie Oakley


We all know – it’s a fact: when my Congress Critter brings home lots of federal tax dollars to our district, that’s called BACON. That’s why we elect them. But when your Congress Critter sends any of my hard-earned tax dollars to your effing district, that’s called PORK. And that’s bad. But we can all agree:  when they make themselves filthy rich by acting on inside information or using their Big Gubmint powers while serving as our tax-paid flunkies… that’s a very bad thing. We hope they’ll be prosecuted for it when they’re caught. But, that isn’t always the case. And even when it is, when justice comes for a visit, it can greatly depend on who is handling the prosecuting or acting as the judge . Cause, that matters too, ya know.

BACON = good.  PORK = bad.

Denny Hastert was exceptionally good at bringin’ home the bacon. Obnoxiously so. He was a Master Baconator for his district – which happens to be my district, so that is OK. And he was a veritable ATM run amok, spitting out money in the millions for his Graduate School Alma Mater, Northern Illinois University. Which is also OK, because, my child goes to skool there also, too. In 1967, The Powers That Be bestowed upon Denny his Wrasselin’ n’grabbin’ Masters in Philosophy of Education. And he started utilizing that degree right away! Oh yes, he did. He used his skills, such as they were on a couple of his students at Yorkville High School in Yorkville, Illinois.

And while I’d rather not think about how he might wax philosophically regarding the good old days proper way to efficiently wrestle someone into submission (you already know about all about that – it’s why you’re here) - once he found his True Purpose in life, that is, politicking – he rose all the way to becoming Speaker of the House. Well, his Alma Mater was just tickled pink with their graduate – so much so, they decided to give him another degree in December 1999: Doctor of Laws (LL.D.)


Nope - Denny Hastert never forgot where he got his teaching credentials from.

But it was his Good Works back home, before he cashed in that caught my eye. Since his thoroughly exposed follies here at Yorkville High School continue to be examined much deeper than any reasonable Proctologist would dare to dream of going – I thought I’d focus on Other Interesting Things ol’ Denny has been involved with over the years, things that have seemed to have slipped completely by our media’s current obsession with Denny’s past sex life. Things like how Denny really liked to take care of NIU and businesses and agencies having to do with his being on the Energy and Commerce Committee. I mean he really liked to take care of them. He really did.

Dennis Hastert began his political career in 1981, when he won a seat as a member of the Illinois House of Representatives from the 39th district for 2 years. Then, due to redistricting or whatever (not important for this conversation, because SEX and MONEY are what’s important in my post today) he became a member of the Illinois House of Representatives from the 82nd district for 3 years. Then, in 1987 he promoted himself via election to The Big Time: he won the Golden Ticket to sit in the US House of Representatives from the 14th District (and so became My Congress Critter). During that time, he served as Republican Chief Deputy Whip from 1995 to 1999.  (you clicked that link, didn’t you? You have a filthy mind. You KNOW it’s a position in Congress. Don’t be getting kinky on me) Then, he was elevated to Speaker of the House because, INDICTMENTS of Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich.

The Accidental Speaker

He served in that position until some inconvenient truth caught up to him, although he claims that had nothing to do with his suddenly deciding in 2007 that he was getting too old for this shit and chose not to run again. Good call, Denny – because, out here in your district, people were ready to spill your blood. They were ANGRY that you had enriched yourself via your government position – along with so many other things too numerous to enumerate in this post. But – that will be covered in Part II of this series.

Meanwhile… earlier today as I was researching this post, I discovered that Denny will be tried for his tax crimes due to his past sexy-times with (a) high school student(s) locally. Because, jurisdiction. Maybe he can share a cell with “Governor Good Hair” Rod Blagojevich. Maybe not. But they’re going to try him here? That’s not such a great idea. Why? Because shit happens in Illinois – shit like this happens in Illinois, all the time, and no one here blinks an eye: in fact, its a political tradition.

    You can’t make this shit up!

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