Bella is at her dad’s this week, visiting after our long vacation, so I am flying solo. This week’s two episodes seemed more painful than usual, but maybe it’s the jetlag. Here we go…
Bristol and Gino attend “the fights” (boxing) at the Wasilla Sports Complex. Bristol says, “Levi cheated on me with that girl” and Gino responds, “Why would you tell me that?” Bristol answers that she was “just thinking it.” Gino asks her why she is still thinking about Levi. She says, “I’m not. I’m just thinking about it.” What?! My brain hurts already, two minutes in.
In her cut-away interview, Bristol says that there is “absolutely no reason” for Gino to act jealous. Um, he didn’t act AT ALL jealous. In fact, he asked her for a kiss. She is so astonishingly delusional.
Willow and Bristol go to a bookstore to look through cookbooks to decide what to make for the boys for Valentine’s Day. Willow is mad at Andy for some reason, so she un-invites him. She says he can only come if he “buys her a bunch of stuff.” Bristol asks what would warm her heart. Willow says, “Nothing, I don’t have a heart.” She says if Andy shows up empty handed, she will “punch him in the face.”
For Valentine’s Day (which he calls “Valentimes Day”), Gino decides to cut down Bristol’s trees at her new house so she can enjoy a clear view of the sunset. He says that Bristol isn’t materialistic, so he can’t buy her love, instead he just cuts down her trees. (I would cry if someone cut down my old-growth trees, but maybe that’s just me.) Bristol appreciates the gift, because nothing says love like deforestation.
Bristol and Willow are in Bristol’s apartment in the turret house, making dinner for the boys. They start bickering because Willow is doing all the work and Bristol messed up the chocolate covered strawberries. They call each other “psycho” multiple times. Bristol keeps telling her she has a bad attitude because she had a fight with Andy (not realizing it is because she is being a total bitch to her!). Bristol hits Willow with the refrigerator door then says, “you don’t have to be here” and “I’m serious, I do not want you here” and “go, please, I really don’t want you here tonight, you will ruin everything” and “you can leave my house now.” So Willow leaves.
Cut to a Bristol voice over: “When Willow left me hanging with the dinner, I was ticked. I don’t know how to cook a whole frickin’ chicken.” OMG, you crazy, evil girl – Willow did NOT leave you hanging – you TOLD her to leave – FOUR TIMES.
Andy shows up and Bristol lies, “Willow had a meltdown and left me hanging.” Andy is super sad and says he went to the store, bought chocolates, and put notes under each of the little chocolate pieces. Awww. Gino comes in and Bristol lies to him too and tells him Willow abandoned her. Andy leaves the presents for Willow and goes home to spend Valentine’s Day with his mom.
Andy is constantly either all, "WTF?" or super sad.
Gino, Bristol and Tripp eat the Valentine’s dinner, and Bristol says she is so sad that Willow ruined everything. Gino tells Bristol she looks pretty and she rolls her eyes. Tripp says, “I don’t like Gino.” Bristol tells him that his attitude problem seriously has to change, “or I am going to start calling you Willow.” He plays with some ugly crystal candlesticks and Bristol says, “Don’t touch those; I’m not going to tell you again.” Then immediately says, “don’t touch those!” Bristol, you just told him again. You are the worst mother ever.
Those first 15 minutes were such a perfect example of the Palin pathology. Bristol chose to do something (kick Willow out) and the result was that she was affected negatively. So instead of taking responsibility and accepting the consequences, she completely re-wrote history. She created a new reality in her head, in which she was the victim. Then she lied over and over to reinforce this new false reality.
Andy and Gino eat lunch and talk about what happened. Andy says Willow has such a nice side, but then she has a “light switch” that, when flipped, makes her go "completely evil." That’s called bi polar disorder, Andy, and it is hereditary. Poor kid.
Bristol and Willow meet for lunch and Bristol insists that Willow apologize and says that she “has to feel like an idiot.” Willow says, “Do you know what I’d be ok with? Being those sisters that don’t talk to each other for 10 years.” HA! Bristol again says that Willow was just upset because of her bickering with Andy and that she is acting 17. Willow says not to bring Andy into it, and that she IS 17, and that Bristol is “acting 16, and will act 16 for the rest of (her) life.” How very insightful. I agree. Bristol’s emotional development stopped about the time she was traumatized by giving birth to her first son, which her mother stole from her.
What Willow fails to point out is that 1) Bristol had no right to kick her out of a house that belongs to Todd and Sarah and 2) Bristol KICKED HER OUT. And here I had Willow pegged as the smarter sister.
These days are long gone.
They all have a bonfire on the lake (is that a good idea?) to burn the tree debris. Willow dumps snow into Bristol’s boot and Bristol says, “I swear to god, I will hit you with that shovel.” They re-hash the ENTIRE fight, all over again. Bristol says, “are you sorry now?” Willow says she has nothing to be sorry for. Bristol says, “you ditched me!” Please just kill me now.
Bristol’s voice over says that her life with Gino is great, but her relationship with Willow is problematic, however she knows it will withstand anything, because they are sisters. Yah, until Willow decides to cash in and make millions by telling the story of your FIRST pregnancy. If I were you, Bristol, I’d be much, much nicer to her.
Gino and Bristol try to teach Tripp how to drive a snow machine. Bristol says Todd has won the Iron Dog 4 times, so she really wants Tripp to race in the Iron Pup this year, to carry on the family tradition. Tripp is having none of it. He says he doesn’t want to. Bristol tells Tripp that she is going to give his snow machine to someone else. He shrugs like “ok.” HAHA.
Bob Lester, radio host, asks Bristol to participate in the celebrity Running of the Reindeer for charity. She says that she is “not a celebrity and is terrified of reindeer.” Um, idiot, in the very first episode of YOUR OWN SHOW, you took Tripp to a reindeer park and were in the pen with all of them encouraging Tripp to touch and feed them. You never once expressed any fear.
Andy and Gino take Tripp to a snow machine expo. Todd is there. They all try to get Tripp to look at snow machines and he is completely disinterested. He just wants to jump in the bounce house.
Bristol goes on the Bob and Mark show and they talk her into at least coming to the Running of the Reindeer. They also ask her about Levi. She says she doesn’t know anything about him and that she never hears from him anymore. She says, “I don’t care, I don’t pay attention, I don’t follow him on Twitter.” Somehow I get the distinct feeling she does all three of those things. Bob asks Gino if he’d fight Levi in theWasilla boxing matches. They all laugh about it.
Andy visits Willow while she is working at a coffee shop (Didn't she quit her job in the first episode?). She invites him to the running of the Reindeer and says she “hopes (he) gets trampled.” Then laughs and says she is kidding. He is the saddest kid with the saddest face ever. I want to give Andy a hug.
Gino and Andy (who seem to be in charge of watching Tripp A LOT) finally get Tripp to ride his snow machine by himself. They call Bristol to tell her, and she is very proud of him.
They all go see Todd off on the Iron Dog race, and then sign up Tripp for the Iron Pup. The official says that he can have a co-rider as long as it is an adult. So they pick Andy. WTF? Andy is 17. I guess adulthood starts earlier in Wasilla. We get a close up of Tripp’s eyes and they are as big as saucers. He is terrified and starts bawling. Bristol says, “all of a sudden Tripp just changes his moods like that and wants his mommy.” OMG! He has been telling you for this ENTIRE EPISODE (which I assume was filmed over the course of several weeks) that he DOES NOT want to do it! He didn’t just change his mood, you DON’T listen to him, because you are ALL ABOUT YOU! Argh!
"Drop dead, Diva."
At the Running of the Reindeer, Bristol plays up her supposed fear of reindeer for attention. She ends up running with them anyway. During the running scene, Lifetime puts a graphic in the corner of the screen that says “Drop Dead Diva.” Bwahahahahahahahaha. Now, I realize the graphic is a reminder for one of their other new shows, but it is one comma away from telling Bristol what they want her to do. And there is NO WAY that was a mistake. The timing was just too perfect. Lifetime hates Bristol! Tee hee!
And with that, I am off to do something more fun, like clean the hair out of the drain.
And with that, I am off to do something more fun, like clean the hair out of the drain.