by Leadfoot_LA and Bella, age 9
Tonight's misadventures in reality TV began like this:
Leadfoot: "Bella, since there's no school tomorrow, you get to stay up late tonight!"
Bella: "Yay! What can we do? Rootbeer floats?"
Leadfoot: "I will make you a rootbeer float, but you have to watch Bristol Palin's show with me and give your opinion for the Internet People."
Bella: "Mooooooommmmmmmmmm! Noooooooo!"
Leadfoot: "But Honey, they are counting on us. This is called taking one for the team."
And, we’re off….
The very first line of the theme song gets me going – “”Life will try to break you…” Here we go with the victim-y “everyone who disagrees with me is a hater” meme. Ugh. Why does this crappy reality show even need a theme song?!
Bristol says, “I’m a 21 year old single mom from Wasilla, Alaska” and it is delivered in the most forced, stiff voice you can imagine. I say, “come on, Bristol, you KNOW THIS PART,” and Bella giggles.
She says her life was turned upside down during the campaign when it was revealed she was 17 and pregnant. All of a sudden her personal life was “front page news.” HA! What publications were you reading, Bristol?! (“All of them, Katie.”) Even thought the “media was trying to tear her down,” her faith, friends and family held her up. Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Try being on this side, Bristol. We have been trying in vain for FOUR YEARS of our lives – without being paid – to get anyone, ANYONE in the media to give a critical eye to your mom’s B.S. lie about your son Trig being hers. There are mountains of evidence. But the media PROTECTED you!
Bristol introduces everyone in the fam-damily and Bella says, “Willow is pretty, but chubbier than before” and snaps me out of my anger.
Sarah has taught Bristol to “work hard, be humble, and take risks – and I have.” Bwahahahaha. What?! What is hard working, humble or risky about selling stories to tabloids, barely dancing on Dancing with the Stars, having a ghost writer pen your autobiography and giving speeches about abstinence while you slut it up (ok, that one actually is kind of risky)? She says her book became a best seller. Bella asks if that is true. I am too annoyed to look it up, so I just say I don’t think so.
Bristol says about a million times that Tripp is her “whole life and means everything” to her. If that were true, she would let him see the other 50% of his family. She takes him to a reindeer farm while explaining that a baby isn’t just an accessory on your hip. “It needs work. It needs attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Yes, she just called her son “it.”
Five minutes in and she says “it’s really hard being a single mom.” I notice she is saying this through her old face, so I tell Bella to remember what she looks there and tell me when she notices a change. Tripp “gives (her) life purpose and direction.” She says she is moving to L.A. to work for a charity. Except the we know that she didn’t just do this out of the goodness of her heart, or she wouldn’t have filmed it. The ONLY reason she went to work for a charity in L.A., was as the premise of a reality show. (A premise that was stolen!) So the purpose and direction that Tripp supposedly provided her was, “be a reality TV star?” Mmmm, ok then.
She wants to “show Tripp what is out there.” Bristol, that’s called a road trip. Or a 2-week vacation – not picking up your son and moving him away from everything he knows and loves to suit your own vain purposes, idiot! Piper doesn’t want her to go because she will miss her basketball games. This makes Bristol sad, but she again says that she needs to go show Tripp another part of the world. Sarah comes in (Bella says “oh GOD!” and rolls her eyes) and in the most cheesy, rehearsed voice tells Bristol that life is supposed to be an adventure, and if she doesn’t like it, home will always be waiting for her. Nice message, but it sounds SO insincere coming from Sarah. They all agree to pray about it. Piper says she wants Willow to go and not Bristol. Ha!
Bristol tries to talk Willow into coming with her to watch Tripp while she “works.” (Who wants to bet we never actually see Bristol set foot inside this charity?”) She again says that “being a single mom is the toughest job.” Bristol, you dumb ho, you CHOSE to be a single mom! Levi wanted to marry you, not once, but TWICE, and YOU dumped HIM both times. So STFU!
They tell Sarah that Willow is going with Bristol to California. Now, I actually have had this conversation with my mom. After college, I told her that I was moving from home in Cleveland to L.A. Had I told her that I was taking my 17-year old sister with me, she would have said, “Over my dead body! Your sister’s job is to finish high school!” But Sarah being Sarah, she says ok, “So Willow’s mission will be taking care of Tripp while she is there, right?” WTF?!
Sarah sings (incorrectly) the Beverly Hillbillies theme song to them and they all laugh.
Gino comes in (OH MY GOD – hahahahahahahahaha. Gino fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He is the poor man’s Levi, and that is being generous.) Bristol asks how much he will miss her and tells him she might find a new guy in L.A. He says he will still be there when she gets back and that he loves her. I wonder how much she had to pay him to say that on camera. Bella says, “gross.”
Bristol, Willow and Tripp move into a hideous mansion in Beverly Hills. Bristol reads a Mother Goose book to Tripp (while he sucks on a pacifier!! For God’s sake, woman, he is 3! Get rid of the pacifier!) and after reading “Humpty Dumpty” she says, “that one is too long.” Bella and I look at each other and both bust out laughing.
Bristol and Willow go shopping (um, who is watching Tripp?) and make fun of all the clothes. She says, “People here are a lot more into their image than they are in Alaska. The image thing, to me, doesn’t mean much.” Yes, folks. She actually said that. LIAR!
She leaves Willow with Tripp and goes with her friends Jacob and Marissa for a night out on the town. Bristol rides the bull and the heckling incident ensues. They do not blur Stephen Hanks’ face. Now, granted, Hanks was rude. But Bristol could have ignored him. She ran over to him and confronted him. They leave in the “is it because you are a homosexual?” line, but not the “because you look like one” and “is that your wife?” lines. Hanks tells her he met Levi and that Levi has so much more class than she does. She shouts back, “He hasn’t seen his son in a year!” Whose fault is that, Bristol?! You moved out of state! Twice! I want to punch her in the vagina.
Bristol starts bawling on the phone to Gino, telling him she wants to go home. That she was attacked and “there were a ton of paparazzi on (her)” – no, honey, that was your own camera crew for this ridiculous show I am losing brain cells watching. Then she calls Sarah and cries about the “hate that (they) go through.” Blood libel anyone? Targets on Gabby Giffords’ district? Nobody in the U.S. has spread more hate than that family.
Bristol goes to have lunch with Mark Ballas (without Tripp) and complains about how she has to travel all the time and that Willow teaches Tripp bad things (um, then don’t leave him with her!).
Ok, I was wrong – Bristol actually does go to Help the Children. They take her to Skid Row. She says “what is Skid Row?” For a second I think, "please let someone on bath salts eat her face." But then I remember that it's full of silicone and Restalyne and Botox and realize that it probably looks unappetizing to even the hungriest drug addict. I have no idea what Bristol does for this charity, because the extent of the scene where she is supposedly working is her being driven in a car down Skid Row.
Willow calls Andy and says she hates L.A. and that Tripp is a brat. She is wearing a “girls with guns” hat. Keep it classy, Willow. They ask Tripp what he thinks of California, and he says, in the cutest voice you can possibly imagine, “Cay-fo-na is too far way.” Bella and I look at each other with sad eyes and both say, “awwwwwww.” Poor Tripp.
Bristol tries to guilt Willow into staying to help her. Willow tells Bristol she is not fun to be around. Bristol tells her everyone will be disappointed in her and think she’s a quitter. BITCH! She is your sister not your servant! Bristol says, “you think you are invincible because you are, ridiculous, just ridiculous.” Bella screws up her face and says, “What?!” Bristol starts crying because Willow is leaving and “Tripp doesn’t have a father figure.” What one has to do with the other, I have no idea. “It’s not normal that he doesn’t have a dad,” she whines. I yell, “he DOES have a DAD, in ALASKA, where you are REQUIRED BY THE COURT to let that dad visit him!” Bella is checked out and playing with the kitten.
Bristol says that she was Willow’s age when she got pregnant and she “never thought it would happen” to her. I choose to believe Levi’s story that she wanted to get pregnant and did so on purpose. It fits much better with the level of emotional maturity she is displaying. She is obviously a very sad and angry young woman who is too stupid to see how bad she looks.
Willow leaves and Bristol is pissed. She can’t hire another babysitter because they will sell stories about her to the tabloids. Bristol – this is HOLLYWOOD. Don’t you think that celebrities MUCH, MUCH bigger than you deal with that issue every day? It’s called a non-disclosure agreement. I’m pretty sure you are familiar with those. In fact, I’m pretty sure those are what saved your ass from the truth about Trig being revealed.
Bristol says she never expected to be forced to take care of Tripp on her own in L.A., and the show ends.
And now, because I am a REAL single mom, without a nanny or a reality show to pay my bills, I have to go put my own precious daughter to bed.
Goodnight all. Try not to have nightmares!